Moms need friends, too

Sometimes being a mom can be a lonely business. That may sound funny if you’re surrounded by, touched by and leaned on by a number of small humans, but it’s true — at least, it was for me.
We have a unique family — lots of kids, lots of mental and physical health challenges and an awareness that we REALLY stood out. I spent a number of years “in the trenches” and one of the things that still stands out is how lonely I felt. I did not know where to turn for support, partially because the one time I “used a lifeline” and made a phone call seeking support, I was told “Well, you chose this.” Still. That didn’t mean it wasn’t hard.
I wrote last year that I accidentally washed (and killed) a mouse that had made itself cozy in my piles of dirty laundry. For years, I was so mortified that I had not been on top of my laundry that I never shared that story. When I finally did share it, I had someone tell me they accidentally washed the family cat — which did not survive. So sorry about the cat (and mouse), but hooray! I’m not alone in not being perfect! C.S. Lewis once said: “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.’”
There are all kinds of benefits for having strong groups of friends, and guess what — women are generally better at close friendships than men. Sorry, guys. For at least the last couple of decades, there is a growing body of research on the value of strong female friendships.
Shelley E. Taylor, a professor of psychology, wrote a book in 2002 called “The Tending Instinct” that looks at “women, men, and the biology of our relationships.” Women’s need for community is, Taylor argues, part of our DNA. We tend to be more social, more community focused, more collaborative and less competitive. We, as the title of her book suggests, “tend and befriend,” responding to stress by protecting and nurturing others, seeking social connection for protection, rather than fighting or fleeing.
Research published more than a decade ago by Lillian Comas-Diaz and Marcella Balur Weiner found that women’s friendships can be healing. Their findings, along with subsequent studies, continue to show that happiness is contagious among women and that strong female friendships “enhance women’s self-esteem, connectedness and enjoyment,” leading to a sense of well-being and even healing. Said another way, strong friendships get us through the rough times and make us happier. They also make us healthier. Women with strong social ties smoke less, are less overweight and have less cognitive decline in their later years.
As you might have realized from your own life, friendships wax and wane. That’s normal. Life circumstances change, as do our points of connectedness and skill at communication. I’m no longer part of the “actively-seeking-to-adopt” group, or the “multiple kids in diapers” group. I also know that no one person can be “all the things” for anyone. My husband is a software architect. I’m not his “computer lingo group” and he’s not my “fashion advice” go-to, bless him.
Many people can be in the “friend” category, even the “good friend” category, and I have been blessed by many friends. The strongest friendships, however, are also the least frequent. Some estimate six “best friends” over a lifetime, although that seems low to me. Once you do develop those deep friendships, however, you can expect those relationships to last on average 16 years until you hit your mid-50s. After that, you can expect 23 years of ongoing friendship. Bring on mid-life!
If you don’t already have a strong friend group, create one. It takes some time and it takes deliberate effort to reach out, but it’s so worth it. If friendships have faded through neglect, make a concerted effort to revive those most important ones. A girls’ night out, or even a girls’ weekend may be just the thing you need to help you through some of life’s rough patches — or the most recent election drama, as the case may be.